Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste funny to you?"

I understand that a crow has one less pinion feather than a raven. Therefore how do you tell a crow from a raven? It's a matter of opinion.

What do you get when a Rooster mates with a vegetable? CHICK PEAS

What do you get when you cross a bird with a comedian? JAY LENO!

What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower? Shredded Tweet!

Did you ever notice that when ducks migrate in their Vee formation, one side of the line is longer than the other? Know why that is? There's more ducks in it.

What is a bird after he is five days old? Six days old!

Why does a stork stand on one leg? Because if he took the other leg off the ground he would fall on the ground!

Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? A: I'll tell you tomorrow!

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing?" The parrot replies, "In France, there are millions of them!"

This guy in a station wagon is riding down the road with the back full of penguins. A cop sees him and pulls him over and says,” I want you to take those penguins to the zoo right now!" The guy says, "O.K." Next day the cop sees this same guy going down the road with the penguins in the back. This time the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again and says,” I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The guy answers, "Yeah, that's right, we went and had a helluva time. We're going to the beach today!" 

A mother bird, a daddy bird and their baby bird were getting ready to migrate. The mother bird said, "My instincts tell me to go north." The daddy bird said, "My instincts tell me to go south." The baby bird said,” My end stinks too, but it doesn't tell me where to go!"

Q. How do you catch a unique bird? A. Unique up on it. Q. How do you catch a tame bird. A. Tame way -- unique up on it.

What do you get when you cross a bird with a comedian? JAY LENO!



A man walked into the office of a talent agent on the 72nd floor of a skyscraper. "I've got a great act," he tells the agent. "Just watch this." The man opens the window, perches on the ledge and starts flapping his arms. Then he pushes off and flys around outside the window executing intricate aerobatic maneuvers. Having finished his demonstration, the man flaps in to a perfect landing on the window sill and steps back into the agent's office. "What do you think of that?" he asked the agent. The talent agent yawned. That's it? Bird imitations?"



So there is this parrot and he knows a bunch of swear words and the owner says , "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to sick you in the freezer." So the parrot starts swearing and the guy puts him in the freezer. The parrot continues cussing up a storm but after a few minutes the parrot suddenly stops. The guy says "Will you stop swearing now?" and the parrot says "I'll stop, but first I want to know what the chicken did."



Two turkey vultures were preparing to migrate north for the summer but, after talking about it, they decided they were too old to fly all that way, so they decided to take a plane. When they were about to board the aircraft, the flight attendant, noticing that both buzzards were carrying a dead armadillo, asked, "Would you like to check those armadillos through as luggage?" "No thanks," the buzzards replied, "they're carrion."



Q. How do you know if you are a birder? A. You might be a birder if you have ever faked your own death to attract vultures.



Two statisticians went duck hunting. A mallard flew overhead and one statistician fired just to the right of the bird. The other statistician fired just to the left of the bird. They turned to each other in glee, and congratulated each other... "On average, he's dead!", they cried! The mallard continued his migration.



Q. What do you call a big swallow? A. A gulp!
Q.What do you call a small swallow? A. A sip!



Q. What bird is always sad? A. Bluebird



One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more
than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"



Q. Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A. Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

• You might be a "birder" if...
  
  Someone yells "Duck!", and you look up and shout "Where?"
  
  Vacations are planned to maximize the number of life birds. You criticize television programs and commercials that depict a bald eagle but play a red-tailed hawk call.
  
  Your kids are named Buteo and Accipiter.
  
  People stop and stare when you pish at the shrubbery at the local mall.
  
  Lunch breaks find you driving to check out your favorite hot spot.
  
  Your spouse says, "It's either me or the birds," and you have to think about it.
  
  On sunny days you hop in the car, crank up your tape of bird calls, and drive like crazy to the nearest mountain where the thermals are great for soaring hawks.
  
  You pay a neighbor kid $20 to roll on a carcass and lay still while you search the sky for vultures.
  
  You try to talk your kid into going to college in Belize so that you have an excuse to go and bird there.
  
  It's a northeaster, the rain is horizontal, a small craft advisory has been issued, but it's Birdathon and you need to up the day's list.
  
  Clouds take on the shape of birds, and you can distinguish male from female, and adult from immature plumage.
  
  A machine squeaks at work and you describe it to maintenance as sounding like a black-and-white warbler.
  
  The first time you meet your future in-laws you demonstrate the courtship dance of the woodcock, replete with sound effects.
  
  You spend fifteen minutes preparing dinner for your family, and thirty minutes mixing and placing seed for your birds.
  
  You wake up your spouse at 5:30am and exclaim, "Is that a phoebe I'm hearing outside the window?"
  
  Preparing for trips to visit out-of-state relatives involves contacting local birders, securing local bird lists, and buying the appropriate Lane's Guide.
  
  You identify calls of birds in the soundtracks of television shows and movies.
  
  You're willing to fight with anyone who criticizes your optics.
  
  You participate in hours-long discussions about the pros and cons of using a certain field guide.
  
  You lose friends, and perhaps even your spouse, from fighting over the pronunciation of "pileated."
  
  Answering "yes" to any of these questions qualifies you as a birder.
  
  
   from Roberts French, Ann Arbor, Michigan (author unknown)